Message from the American Embassy in Sofia

All American citizens (at least those registered with the embassy) received the following email last week:

Date: Thu, 22 Jun 2006 12:19:50 +0300
Subject: Information Needed for the Embassy’s Emergency Preparedness

Dear American Citizen,

As part of Embassy’s efforts to be prepared to provide assistance to the private American community in the country in case of an emergency, we need to know what resources within this community we may rely on. This is why we would appreciate it if you would tell us whether you have skills, such as languages other than English and Bulgarian, special expertise (for example, Engineer, medical doctor), as well as handy possessions (radios, helicopters, etc.) If possible, we would be grateful if we would receive your reply by June 27.

Best regards,
*important embassy person*
U.S. Embassy Sofia

As an American citizen dedicated to helping my fellow country-persons I crafted the following reply:

*important embassy person*,

Of course I have a helicopter – all Americans in Sofia have helicopters! How else can we be expeced to fly between our Lozenets apartments, the office, and the multi-billion dollar Americans-only invisible mansion near Varna?

As you rightly surmised, I also keep it because of eminent danger from the Bulgarian people. The ATAKA members are pushing the upper limits of Bulgaria’s average life expectancy and will soon have nothing to lose from a concerted attack on American interests. We all saw the full strength of their organization during the NATO meetings.

As such, you may rely on my helicopter to provide assistance to the American community in case of an emergency. It’s pretty easy to find because it’s friggin’ huge (sometimes creating problems when I try and land it on my balcony). It basically looks like the Russian gunship helicopter from Rambo III. In fact, it is the Russian helicopter from Rambo III – my family is friends with the director. So, just give me the signal – I’ll start the engines, unlock the weapons systems and we’ll be good-to-go.

I also noticed you were looking with citizens with radios. I have one of those. I usually have it tuned to “Radio Edno” but sometimes I scan around during that annoying classical song the play at the top of every hour. It’s very heavy – probably made out of vacuum tubes – so would probably work well as a blunt weapon.

As a triple bonus I’ve been speaking Pig Latin since the age of 7. I am willing to translate to avert any potential crisis from native Pig Latin speakers.

I am always prepared to help my fellow citizens out.

God Bless America,
Ryan

Reader notes:
- Lozenets is a high priced area of Sofia where many expats and diplomats live.

- Varna is a city on the Black Sea coast of Bulgaria well known for its surrounding beach resort areas.

- ATAKA is an extreme nationalist political party made up of mostly old people longing for the good-old (communist) days when they were paid to sit around and do nothing. They blame America for all their marrital and dental problems.

- Rambo III is a movie where John J. Rambo is sent into Afganistan to rescue Colonel Trautman from the Russians. A good chunk of the movie consists of Rambo running away from a Russian helicopter gunship. Despite the gunship unloading about 80 missles and 20,000 rounds of ammunition, Rambo is able to escape without a single injury. Eventually Rambo gets tired of running from the gunship and shoots it down with a Daisy pump BB-gun he finds under a cactus.

- “Radio Edno” (translated, Radio One) is a local mix radio station that always plays a classical music song at the top of every hour (although the “classical music” song is usually something like the theme to Star Wars)

- Pig Latin is a “language” made by putting the first letter of a word at the end and adding “ay” (thus “donkey” would become “onkeyday” in Pig Latin). This is a very popular language in America for 7-10 year olds.

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